The Breakdown of Numb
by Scifiroots
Summary: A series of stories exploring and sometimes fixing the poorly handled events in seasons 4 and 5
1. Two Views of a Cadaver Room

_Title:_ Two Views of a Cadaver Room

_Series_: The Breakdown of Numb (1/?)

_Author_: Karasu 

_Feedback_: On-list or to karasumouri@earthlink.net

_Author_ _Website_: 

_Rating_: PG-13

_Pairing_: None. Pre-slash Jack/Daniel. Mostly this is a friendship fic.

_Category_: Angst.  Drama.  Friendship.  Hurt/Comfort.  Missing Scene.  Pre-slash.

_Date_: December 13, 2003

_Status_: Complete

_Season_/_Spoilers_: The Light, and mention of stuff from Legacy

_Archive_: enchantingmuse.com (my site). Alpha Gate.  Area 52.  Anyone else please ask.

_Synopsis_: Another take on the scene they didn't show in The Light. Warning, 'tis dark ahead.

_Warnings_: Suicide attempt. Dark.

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_Disclaimer_: 

Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/ Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while.  I am not making any money from this and I'm still paying for everything I own so there's very little point in suing me.  No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. At least I hope it's entertaining.  The original characters, situations and story are mine.  Please check with me first if you want to archive or link to this story. I'd like to note that in the last scene there are two lines that Danny says and both of those are from Linkin Park songs. A nod towards the original script, since practically all of the dialogue in the first scene is word-for-word from the script.

**===================**

One very irritated, and secretly worried, Colonel Jack O'Neill pulled into a parking spot less than a block away from an eight-story housing building. He slammed the jeep door shut and glared at the seemingly harmless building. 

_What the hell is wrong with him? Jack's mind grumbled about one very particular archeologist. If Daniel was trying to make some point by not showing up on time at the SGC... Well, no matter the situation, Jack was pissed. Daniel wasn't always punctual, but he had never let the team down by not showing up to gate off world. _

As soon as Jack touched the door handle that would let him into the apartment building, his anger seemed to dissipate as his apprehension grew. His skin crawled and he quickly checked around him, wondering if someone was watching. He usually picked up strange feelings in the field, when he was in danger, but he couldn't be sure what it meant at the moment. He didn't like the implications.

With the feeling of anxiety gnawing on his insides, Jack quickened his steps to the elevators and jammed on the button a few times before giving up and jumping up the stairs two at a time—knees be damned. During his rush, his fingers played around with his keys in his pocket, going by feel alone to figure out which key belonged to Daniel's apartment. As it so happened, no key was needed; the door was ajar.

Jack frowned, alarms going off in his head. Carefully he stepped inside but there was no Daniel to greet him. Quietly he closed the front door and listened. From the kitchen came the sound of an insistent kettle, and there in front of him was the cord phone hanging off the hook, the dial tone interrupted by the computerized voice announcing that there was a problem with the phone. While the tones grated on his nerves, Jack didn't take the time to shut them up.

"Daniel?" he called. "Danny?" No answer. 

He took one step towards the hallway leading to the bedroom and bathroom, but the silence that came from that direction stalled his motion. Jack turned on his heel and marched back to the kitchen, determined to find Daniel and give him a good talking to for scaring his friends like this. His anger attempted to take a foothold above his nervousness, but when he stepped into the kitchen and took in the scene, all anger faded, and he could feel the blood drain from his face.

No longer could he hear the ear-splitting whistle of the kettle on the stove, his world narrowed to the floor illuminated by the overhead light and open shades of the window. A small pool of red liquid stained the floor, like a splatter of paint beneath a canvas; he knew that Daniel never painted. His heart pounded in his chest like a hammer, attempting to crack free of his body.

His gaze traveled anxiously around the room and suddenly he noticed that the door to the balcony was open in the living room. Jack forced himself to resist running towards the door. He appeared in the doorway and gripped the frame in white-knuckled fists. 

_Oh, God._

"Danny...?" he whispered, his words were nearly carried away with the slight breeze. 

Daniel stood outside the railing, his bare heels stuck between the metal slats to keep him upright. His hands gripped the rail behind him loosely, just enough to keep him from falling as he leaned into the open air, eyes closed and lips slightly parted. Jack took in every detail of his friend: wind-blown, chestnut-colored hair stood out in all directions; Danny's normally tanned skin was a shade of deathly pale, two tiny circles of red, skin raw from the cold air, lent color to the face; there was an air surrounding the linguist that portrayed a peaceful resolve, but it was tinted with darkness, emitting a sense of fear and bitterness that paralyzed Jack where he stood. Daniel wore none of his usual sweaters that he seemed to favor in casual wear, instead he seemed to still be in pj's; by the looks of it, they were polar-fleece, dyed a calming slate blue. But the color was inconsistent, and Jack shuddered as his eyes caught on the dark stains on one of the sleeves.

"Daniel," Jack insisted, voice amazingly steady and calm. He caught the minute twitch of the left eyelid and pressed on. "What are you doing out here?"

In a hushed voice devoid of anything but a deep, resigned pain, Daniel answered enigmatically, "None of it means anything."

Jack didn't like that tone and he sure as hell didn't like the situation he was faced with. "Um... Daniel, why don't you come inside here?"

As if he hadn't heard, Daniel's eyelids fluttered open as he stared into the open air, a strange brightness in his eyes. "I tried." A mere whisper. "It just goes away."

Swallowing hard, Jack took a careful step forward but stopped immediately, heart pounding wildly when he saw his friend tense in reaction. "Okay. Then we'll get it back."

_Please, Danny! Just come inside._

"You can't get it back." He sounded so sure, his voice deep and congested from what had probably been a flood of tears . Whatever it was, he had resigned himself to the fate of ending up empty handed; somehow that was painful enough to leave everything else behind. Jack felt his throat constrict at the thought; he couldn't live with himself if any of his friends died. He didn't want to lose anyone else.

"Whatever's wrong, we'll... we'll fix it." Silently he begged again and again, doing his damnedest to send telepathic assurances that Danny wouldn't be going through anything alone. Not now, not ever again.

For a moment it seemed as if the linguist was about to laugh, but only a gasp escaped, raw with a hint of tears. His chest heaved as he threw back his head and closed his eyes again, his body stretching even further into thin air.

_Dear God, I'm going to stand here and watch him die! the thought screamed in Jack's mind but he could not move!_

"You don't even know what I'm talking about." Bitter. 

_I try to understand, Jack wanted to say. _

Jack tried to keep up with his teammates, know what was going on with their lives. Too many times they faced death, and they'd probably cheated it too many times—the end had to be coming, but he wouldn't let himself or his friends give up that easily; he'd make sure he knew every detail about their lives and know what he could do to support them in hard times. But Daniel hadn't been speaking as openly with him as he used to. He didn't know the details of the dream Shifu had given to Daniel, or why it had effected the man so badly. He didn't know what had been causing the slowly growing mask that disguised the once completely open Daniel that he so cared about_._

_ I try!_

"No. No I don't," Jack admitted softly; he swallowed. "But come inside."

He waited, heart in his throat. _Oh God, don't let him jump._

Out of nowhere, Daniel suddenly blinked, gaze losing its earlier pained haze to give way to confusion. His hands tightened on the rail as he slowly bowed his head to look around. "Jack?" he asked in a wavering voice.

In a bare instant Jack was beside him, gripping Daniel's uninjured arm tightly. He rubbed his free hand over his friend's back. "Yeah. It's okay. We're going to get you inside. It's okay. Don't fall..."

_Please don't leave._

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~**

Daniel's mind could only be described as feeling fuzzy. He let Jack, strong Jack, take control of the situation as he tried to focus enough to figure out what was going on. Bits of conversation flickered in his mind—his voice and Jack's... on the balcony. He recalled the crystal-clear sight of the street below where cars bustled pass, unaware of a suicidal archaeologist eight stories above.

_Suicidal..? his mind turned over the word slowly, finding it terribly foreign._

No, not suicidal. With all the death he had witnessed, how could he ever wish for it? Never, not ever. He felt a sharp pain jolt up his arm as Jack finished hauling him back over to the proper side of the railing. He cried out, more from surprise and confusion than the pain; he had suffered far worse. 

"Shh, shh," it was so strange that Jack sounded so scared. Of course, most people wouldn't have picked up on that fact, but Daniel could somehow pinpoint the wavering tone that Jack spoke with and identified the emotion with fear, sorrow. "You're a little hurt... but it will be okay," he murmured into Daniel's ear.

Daniel was having trouble taking in the scene around him, he couldn't really tell where Jack was in proximity to him, or know if they were inside the apartment or still outside. He did, however, manage to focus on the stained, blue sleeve of his sweatshirt and puzzle over why there was dried blood there. Jack's hand rested around that arm gently, a thumb over a slightly brighter stain.

"Jack?" he asked, voice strangely hallow.

There was a hand on his hair, he vaguely noted. Jack stroked his head gently, soft, comforting noises escaping his lips as he led them to sit. The couch. Inside, then. Phone behind Jack, books on the floor and table. Daniel thought he heard whistling in the distance, something insistent and annoying, but he couldn't bring himself to care. 

When he tuned in again, Jack had the phone in one hand. His free hand gently rubbed Daniel's pant-covered thigh and his chocolate brown eyes stared steadily at Daniel's face. Daniel couldn't make himself understand what words were spoken over the phone; he knew it should matter, knew that the discussion would allow him to understand what was going on, but he was just too tired. 

_It just goes away._

All the answers eluded him; so much searching and searching, only to find that all the wall revealed was the name and title of the architect; and then the NID and the suits were down his throat, and he couldn't work fast enough.

_I tried. It just goes away._

Fly away. Fall away. He remembered the living nightmare, standing next to Sam as time and again, and again, and again, and **again** he watched the heavy coverstone break free from its restraints and crash down onto the unprepared couple. Mom! Dad! Please... please get out.

"It's okay, shh... shh..."

But it wasn't just them. It was everything and everyone after. Was there anyone who had been a constant? Not more than a couple of years. They just fell away, unable to stay as the universe tore them away; or tore him away. Jack pulling him back, Skaara picked instead. 

"Danny... c'mon, I need you to focus. Danny, shh, it's all right..."

No it wasn't.

"Humor me, please," a quiet request. 

Daniel didn't even realize he was speaking aloud. Maybe he had developed telepathy. He felt a giggle inside him, something that made him feel nauseous as it fought to escape and tears filled his eyes. 

"What's going on? Speak to me. I'm here, Danny, I'm right here."

What had happened? Hell if he knew. Frustration, anger, so much anger. Had he slept? He couldn't remember, couldn't remember any details. Pain, so much pain. He thought he remembered screaming, or maybe that was just in his mind. But the pain had been too much, and his inner screaming wasn't enough to help. There was a key he had stumbled to find, he could remember that, the frantic, compulsive searching as he tried to find the key. The key was sharp, he recalled, and he couldn't seem to fit it in place. 

He felt Jack clutch his hands tightly and momentarily the pain flared again in his left forearm. Jack whispered quietly to him. "A knife, Danny. Not a key."

He shook his head numbly, dazedly. No, not a knife. A knife wouldn't have opened anything, and most certainly he'd have hurt himself with it. It had been a key. He told Jack just that, his eyes attempting to make Jack's fuzzy image come into focus. 

"Did you take anything?" Jack's voice seemed a little louder than before.

Take something? Oh, like medicine or drinks or some weird food. No, he wasn't hungry. He didn't think he ate anything. He had had a headache, though. Maybe there had been Advil or Tylenol or something in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He felt Jack twitch and knew that his friend wanted to run to check. Maybe Jack had a hangover, but that didn't make sense, not before a mission. 

Daniel frowned slightly. A mission... he had been upset about something, something from a planet that SG-1 was supposed to visit this morning. He tried to stand, he needed to get ready, but Jack kept him in place, said that Dr. Fraiser was coming. 

"Why?"

"Because you look a little sick, Danny. You're hurt."

No, he didn't think he was. Just tired. He needed his glasses, he decided; that must be why he couldn't see right. Maybe he **had** slept last night and he was still looking for his morning coffee.

Then again, maybe it was a dream. Had Shifu's vision really ended? Was this another one? Another test? He chuckled and even he could acknowledge the fact that it sounded a little hysterical. Why not? Why not shove another trial in front of Daniel Jackson, resident scapegoat? 

"Get a hold of yourself!" the harsh words suddenly made the world focus and Daniel found himself almost nose-to-nose with a terrified and pale colonel.

His heart ached. "Oh, God, Jack...!" he whispered, it came out like a sob. "What's happening?" 

He could feel his whole body split apart and **Christ** did it hurt! He cried and struggled to keep his eyes open despite the tears, so afraid that if he shut his eyes that he would never see again. Jack's arms wrapped around him tightly, but he could barely feel them, he was so numb. 

"It all just goes away," he whimpered softly. He didn't feel the chill that ran through Jack nor the sudden stillness that settled over them.

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~**

Janet ran in ahead of her med. team, heartbeat racing from her headlong run down the hallway. She paused but a moment to take in the scene, hearing the whistle of the teakettle full-blast now that she was present in person and not hearing it as a background noise over a phone. Jack and Daniel were on the couch, the archeologist looking whiter than a ghost. There was a desperate expression on Jack's face, emphasized by the fact that he only flicked his eyes to her briefly to acknowledge her entrance. 

The petite doctor moved quickly, coming over to Daniel and assessing the long, horizontal furrows marring his skin underneath the sweatshirt. His eyes looked straight at her, but she knew that he did not see her. His face was blank and he didn't even twitch when she tore away the cloth from the wound. She let one of her helpers work on sanitizing and binding the wound for transport—he would need stitches on one of the deep cuts, but thank goodness they weren't life threatening. 

Janet removed one of her gloves and patted Daniel gently on the cheek, calling his name softly. "How did this happen? Daniel. Come on, I need to work with me."

"I don't know how I got this way; I know it's not alright." 

"I don't think…" Jack spoke softly to keep the waver in his voice down to a minimum. "I'm not sure he understands right now." Janet saw the colonel's Adam's apple bob from a deep swallow.

She realized that she was gently stroking Daniel's cheek when she refocused her attention on him. Her heart ached in reaction to the blank, sad expression drawn across Daniel's face. Her mind recalled the horrible image of a drugged Daniel in a heavily padded, white room. Janet closed her eyes and sent a silent prayer that her friend would again pull a miraculous recovery.

"Alright, let's move out!" Janet announced, standing and motioning two men with a stretcher to come forward.

"Jack…?" Janet looked down as Daniel shuddered and blinked slowly. He didn't turn his head. His eyes were filled with barely suppressed fear. "I've become so numb," he whispered, "I can't feel you…"

"It'll be okay, Danny," Jack returned softly, stroking the backs of his fingers over Daniel's cheek. "We'll make it right."

A tear spilled over the lower lashes of Daniel's bright blue eyes. Janet knew that he was screaming inside.

**===Fin===**

**(For now.)******

Two Views of a Cadaver Room by Sylvia Plath

_ (1)_

The day she visited the dissecting room  
They had four men laid out, black as burnt turkey,  
Already half unstrung. A vinegary fume  
Of the death vats clung to them;   
The white-smocked boys started working.  
The head of this cadaver had caved in,   
And she could scarcely make out anything  
In that rubble of skull plates and old leather.  
A sallow piece of string held it together. 

In their jars the snail-nosed babies moon and glow.  
He hands her the but-out heart like a cracked heirloom. 

  
_ (2)_

In Brueghel's panorama of smoke and slaughter  
Two people only are blind to the carrion army:  
He, afloat in the sea of her blue satin  
Skirts, sings in the direction  
Of her bare shoulder, while she bends,  
Fingering a leaflet of music, over him,  
Both of them deaf to the fiddle in the hands  
Of the death's-head shadowing their song.  
These Flemish lovers flourish; not for long. 

Yet desolation, stalled in paint, spares the little country  
Foolish, delicate, in the lower right-hand corner.


	2. Gone Away

_Title_: Gone Away

_Series_: The Breakdown of Numb (2/?)

_Author_: Karasu 

_Feedback_: On-list or to karasumouri@earthlink.net

_Author_ _Website_: 

_Rating_: PG-13

_Pairing_: None. Pre-slash Jack/Daniel. Mostly this is a friendship fic.

_Category_: Angst.  Drama.  Friendship.  Episode related.  Pre-slash.

_Date_: December 30, 2003

_Status_: Complete

_Season_/_Spoilers_: S4, "The Light"

_Archive_: enchantingmuse.com (my site). Alpha Gate.  Area 52.  Anyone else please ask.

_Synopsis_: "The Light" brought to surface some things that were a long time in coming, and it's time to face up to them.

_Notes_: I don't like this nearly as much as the first story in this series, but I still have time to write more of what I like since this sequel, which was supposed to be an ending, only brings to surface some issues that need to be addressed. =) All relationships shown within are friendship. In the future, it's likely that there'll be Jack/Daniel slash, but that's not necessarily a promise.

_Warnings_: Recollection of suicide attempt(s) and self-injury.

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_Disclaimer_: 

Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/ Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while.  I am not making any money from this and I'm still paying for everything I own so there's very little point in suing me.  No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. At least I hope it's entertaining.  The original characters, situations and story are mine.  Please check with me first if you want to archive or link to this story._  No money is being made, or else I'd be able to have all the video games I currently want and everything Stargate that is available. _

**============**

"Would I lie to you?" Jack said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. [1]

Daniel looked away, spinning fully around on his chair to return to his computer work. If that was how Jack was going to be, well, it didn't deserve a reply. He could practically feel the frown that drew deep lines into the aging face of his friend; he knew the look that would be in those chestnut-brown eyes.

Jack's feet hit the floor a little harder than they needed to as he stalked out of the office. Daniel didn't need to turn around to see Jack with tightly clenched fists in his pocket. The linguist sighed quietly and closed his eyes as he rested his forehead on his palms.

Things had been bad for a long time, much longer than he cared to admit. Somewhere along the line, the team ties had begun to stretch between the members of SG-1. Even Teal'c, the ever-present support in Daniel's life, had been affected; the large Jaffa had withdrawn into himself, something he hadn't done since the very early days when the team had first joined together. Sam had been acting strangely, or was it Jack? It was one of them, possibly both of them, because their interactions had turned awkward and rather… flirtatious, no matter how impossible that seemed. Daniel tried to remember if he had been the one that had started the downfall, or if it was someone else.

They had all been fine. They had been a well-working and bonded team until… when? Daniel remembered Eudora and Jack's disappearance. Sam had worked so hard for days on end, barely sleeping, to come up with the solution to return Jack home. He could still feel the ache inside when he realized that he could not help in the retrieval of his friend. There had hardly been time to be relieved that Jack was home before he had the shock of his life—being told that his long, devoted friendship with Jack had "no foundation."

So that was it. It had been that long since things had been "okay" and "normal" between the four of them. Daniel knew that Teal'c was feeling more alienated than usual. As for himself… Daniel felt as if he were back in his later years in the academic world when everyone had turned away from him, thinking his theories were the thoughts of a madman. Maybe Jack and Sam had been thrown together while the other two had been thrown out? But then, why had there been no effort to move back in?

Daniel sighed and opened his eyes, staring at his screensaver that had turned itself back on during his lengthy pondering. His mind still wandered restlessly, even though the effects of the alien "opium" should have gone away by now. Janet demanded to see him on a daily basis, constantly checking every inch of his body and keeping a strict record of any oddities. He was sick of it after a month of the constant attention. The only good thing about the past week was that he was finally home, on Earth.

Jack, Sam, and Loran had been able to come through the wormhole to the SGC after a two week period, but Janet had been adamant about him staying on longer and going back to a higher dosage of the alien drug and then decreasing its amount again. He hadn't been alone, however. Teal'c had returned to be by his side and aid in the painfully slow recovery. No matter how he had hated going stir crazy in the overly gaudy palace, he knew on the intellectual level that it had been imperative that he stayed longer. In the final days that the others were with him, the dose had been too low for him and he had paced, wringing his hands in anxiety, gotten easily frustrated, and began to entertain thoughts of swimming out into the lake and let himself sink to get away from it all; guns and knifes had been the first thing to go once everyone understood what was going on and how bad the withdrawal could be.

His phone rang, startling Daniel from his thoughts. Mindlessly he picked up the receiver; "Hello?"

"Dr. Jackson, please report to the infirmary," a familiar voice said without any preamble. Daniel couldn't remember the nurse's name, and really didn't want to, it was bad enough that he recognized the voice.

"Yeah. I'll be there." He hung up the phone and stared at it as a headache made its presence known.

He still couldn't remember many details of the interlude between his angry speech at the general and the time that he woke up staring up at the dark ceiling on an alien world, feeling desolately alone. However, he didn't really need to remember it since the time had been marked physically onto his flesh. Recalling the scars, Daniel glanced down at his forearm and traced the tips of his fingertips along the few inches of a handful of white lines that remained of the cuts that he had apparently done before Jack came to retrieve him for the mission he had been late for.

The stitches were gone from the one cut that had been deeper than the others, its thick, angry mark standing out from the rest. He swallowed the bile that rose in the back of his throat, long buried memories rising up from where they should have been forgotten.

Quickly Daniel stood and pulled on his SGC standard-issue jacket and started towards the infirmary.

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~**

Inevitably Jack found himself hanging just within the doorway of Samantha Carter's lab. She was busily working with a piece of gadgetry that one of the off-world teams had sent through to be explored. She was preoccupied enough that she didn't seem to notice his entrance, nor did she seem in any hurry to take a break.

Before he could second-guess himself and leave, Jack coughed in air of clearing his throat, effectively catching Sam's attention. The blonde glanced up from her work and smiled cheerfully at her CO, the lines of concentration fading from her brow.

"Hello, sir. Is there something you needed?"

Jack didn't meet her eyes as he meandered around her work table, one hand in his pocket while the other one picked at any number of things. "No, no, just checking up on the team…" he said casually. He rolled what looked like a pen between his fingers, the only thing that gave away that it was alien was the bizarre writing covering every centimeter of the tube.

After a few moments of watching the pen move back and forth between the colonel's fingers, Sam reached out and plucked it from his grasp, something Daniel usually did. He glanced up at her expectant face and gave her a blank look.

She rolled her eyes playfully and grinned. "C'mon, what's up?" She headed over to the other side of the lab to prepare some coffee.

"Nothing. Get back to work, I'm sure you have deadlines to meet." Jack stuffed his hands back into his pockets as he watched her.

Sam turned around to rest her bum against the counter. With crossed arms, she raised an eyebrow in skepticism. "Sir, I've already stopped to take a break. Why not come out and say it?"

Jack frowned at her. There wasn't anything he needed to say to her. But then again, why would he come down here? He had no patience to sit around and watch someone work on something that he could barely understand. He was one for action and was not a very good watcher—his mind traveled to _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ before he knew what was happening. He shook his head slightly, tossing the totally random and completely useless thought from his mind. Why was he here?

Sam pressed a mug of coffee to his chest, making Jack come back to himself. Automatically a hand came up to grasp the cup. His focus turned into the depths of the dark liquid as Sam slid herself onto a stool and leaned forward to rest her elbows on the work bench.

"Sir?" Instead of sounding unsure of herself as she once might have, her voice held a tone of amusement and irritation—her patience was running out.

Damn, she knew him too well.

He realized what a weird thought that was as he took his first long swallow of coffee. Sam knew him "too well?" Since when? 

Without thinking first, Jack spewed the first words that touched his lips, unwilling to linger alone in his mind any longer; "Daniel doesn't seem to be fully recovered yet." He blinked first at Sam's surprised look and then at his coffee. Where had **that** come from?

"Oh." Sam recovered and took a drink from her mug to stall for time. "I guess I haven't seen him much lately." She frowned. "But I figured that might have to do with how… well," she looked uncomfortable. She looked down and clutched her hands tightly about her cup.

Jack nodded slightly, knowing what she was talking about. While stuck on P4X-347, they had all been a little tense. Sam and Daniel's relationship had seemed to suffer the worst as she pushed at him to tell her why he was avoiding her. They snapped at one another and argued until Daniel had finally stormed off one day and settled himself in a room far away and isolated from the others. Jack hadn't followed; the words that had broke the air one day still stung.

_I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass than spend one more minute with you! _[2]

"I thought you guys cleared that up?" Jack inquired, dragging his mind away from those miserable hours spent with an addict-craving archeologist.

Sam smiled sadly but didn't look up. "_I_ apologized. I apologized before we came back home and then after he came back. The first time he almost snarled at me!" She let out a short laugh before stopping herself; only in reflection was the scene humorous. "Then… it seemed as if he was ignoring me. I don't know what to make of it. But you know Daniel."

She looked up, finally meeting Jack's gaze. "He usually needs a little time before he comes to terms with what's going on and then it's okay. It's just…"

"This is taking a lot longer than usual." Sam nodded her agreement, frustration and worry flitting across her face. 

Jack sighed and closed his eyes. His team was falling apart, whether he liked it or not. He had tried talking to Teal'c, but the big guy had seemed distant and cool, something he had very rarely ever been to Jack.

"What's the matter with those two?" he muttered, refusing to look at some of the thoughts the nasty part of his brain was screaming at him.

"What was that?" Sam asked, putting her mug down after another drink.

Jack looked at her, gauging his options. Finally he pulled up a stool and sat opposite from her. "Teal'c's been weird, too." Sam tilted her head slightly in acknowledgement. "As long as I'm not suffering Alzheimer's, they've both been weird since… I dunno. What do you think?"

Sam studied the contents of her mug intently, unable to meet Jack's intense stare. Quietly she said, "It was shortly after Urgo. I… I hate to say it, sir, but I think some of it might be from your mission to expose the NID." She glanced up at him with an apology in her eyes.

"Of course," he muttered. 

But in his mind, all that had been solved long ago; he had worn himself out working on fixing things with his teammates. Then he realized that he had only paid attention to addressing things with Sam and Daniel, figuring that Teal'c understood what a warrior's duty sometimes entailed. He frowned inwardly; he and Teal'c had seemed fine many times after that, especially during that insane time-looping incident. They'd played golf in the 'gate room, for crying out loud!

"Sir," Sam said hesitantly, glancing cautiously at his face. "Permission to speak freely?"

"For crying out loud, Carter, this has already been off the record from the moment I came in here."

She smiled slightly, then turned serious again before she spoke. "Daniel's been through a lot recently. In the past few months alone he's been captured by an Unas—" she ticked off each item on her fingers. "He's lost his mentor and old teacher, lost a… friend to the Gao'uld, nearly had to see another friend die, all of this at the same time; then there's the incident with Shifu that he won't share, and most recently the addiction to the light."

Sam's expression was rueful as she braved Jack's stare. "I mean, he had good reason to be… acting odd. I didn't even think about all of that until right now. God, he's got to be hurting, no wonder the light affected him so much, it probably didn't need to work that hard to get him sui—depressed."

The almost spoken word hung in the air like the suppressing humidity of a hot, summer day. Jack could barely swallow his mouthful of coffee, his stomach was churning as images came unbidden to his mind: Daniel hanging over into thin air beyond the balcony railing, eyes closed and tear stains on his cheeks; Daniel staring blankly, dumbly at Jack when he was told that he hadn't been using a key, but a knife; Daniel growling at him to stay away on '347; Daniel curled in on himself, shaking and looking all the world like an abused child a few days before the others returned home.

"Christ…" he exhaled, chest tightening at the memories. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, regaining control quickly thanks to a long line of practice.

"Colonel?" Sam whispered worriedly.

He opened his eyes and smiled weakly; he needed to be the stable leader, keeping his group together. Apparently he'd been failing in that department, however, if this conversation and his exchange with Daniel were anything to go by.

"Just… brought back these memories I wish I didn't have." [3]

They sat in silence for a long time, both lost in thought. The coffee had cooled in their mugs, but they continued to drink it until it was gone, seemingly unaware of its tepid state. The intercom broke the silence as SG-7 was paged to the briefing room.

"Sir…" Sam started, still not looking up. Jack grunted for her to continue as he swirled the last drops of coffee in his mug. "Maybe it's not them, sir." Jack looked up at that, confused at her words when they didn't sink in. She continued, "I mean, maybe it's _us_." She flushed slightly and her brow wrinkled as she casually motioned a hand between them both. Her blue gaze settled firmly on Jack. "I haven't spent any time with Daniel or Teal'c out of work since…" she looked ashamed, "I can't even remember when."

Jack frowned. "They would have said something if there was a problem with someone." Sam looked at him skeptically. Jack hardened his frown, sticking to his story. "Teal'c had more than enough time to take things up with me back in the time-loop escapade, and God knows Daniel could have slammed me out these past few weeks and gotten away with it because of the withdrawal excuse."

Sam gazed at him calmly, something like regret lingering in his eyes. "Was that what he was doing?" she murmured softly, asking herself as much as she was asking Jack.

He opened his mouth to respond, but he knew that he had nothing to return but something dreamed up out of frustration and… worry. How had things gotten this bad? How had things fallen apart so much that his team couldn't talk to one another unless it dealt with work and a mission? For all he knew, Sam and he were the only two conversing like this. 

_Whatever is wrong, we'll fix it._

_You don't even know what I'm talking about._

Christ, was this what Daniel had meant?

"Sir?" Sam had seen the flash of understanding cross Jack's face for an instant.

He started, "When I went to…" He paused to clear his throat, thankfully getting rid of the congested tone of suppressed guilt and unease. "When I went to find Daniel that day… God." He stared at Sam, eyes full of all the pain and fear he had felt that day. "Jesus Christ, he was going to _jump_ off a fucking _eight-story building_! He didn't care anymore!" His voice lowered to a harsh whisper, and he had trouble holding the blonde's steady gaze. "I didn't know what he was talking about, and afterwards he said he didn't remember. God, Sam," he didn't seem to notice that for once he had actually used her first name, and while it had stunned the blonde, she felt that surprise fall away as she focused back on what Jack was saying, "he didn't want to deal with any of it anymore. He's been hiding it all for us.

"Shit. I didn't even talk to him after Osiris…" He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before he faced his failure again. When he again opened his eyes, Sam felt a stab of pain when she saw the depth of emotion in Jack's eyes; it was beyond anything that she could fully explain or comprehend. "How did we get to this?" He laughed a little, the bitterness clearly seeping into his voice. "What's wrong with me Carter? I can't even clue in on what's happening to people I care about. I'm a total ass."

"Sir," Sam broke in. She reached out a hand to rest on his forearm in silent comfort. "I didn't think about it either. Teal'c and Daniel are too good at hiding themselves and you… _we_ haven't been trying hard enough to see what it is that they've been hiding." She withdrew her hand and hugged herself for a moment before letting her hands drop into her lap.

"But it's not too late, sir. If Daniel's really not recovered yet, he's going to need someone. I'll… I'll go find him." She stood up and took their mugs to the sink. She stood there silently for a moment, waiting for Jack to say something. He didn't, so she turned and left the lab, leaving the colonel to his thoughts.

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~**

"And the verdict, doctor?" Daniel said as Janet came around the curtain to him. He was tired, and it took all his energy to just sit up.

The petite woman didn't respond to the prod as she eyed him calmly. "Your dopamine levels are still a little lower than expected. However," she disregarded her chart as she folded her arms and stared at him in the spitting image of a mother determined to hear the truth from her child; "it's not exactly the chemicals that I'm concerned with." Daniel gave nothing away, easily meeting her stare with a composed expression.

The staring contest lasted a while until Janet sighed and came to sit next to him on the bed. She laid her clipboard aside before continuing her determined study of the stubborn linguist.

When she spoke, her voice was clear but soft to keep the words from traveling outside the small shelter of curtains erected about them. "Daniel, I've waited a long time for you to straighten things out for yourself. You are an intelligent human being and adult enough to be responsible…usually. When it comes to your health, I see you in here far too often.

"This mission was just a trigger, wasn't it." She gazed at him knowingly, and he returned her gaze with a slight strain on his part. "I can no longer ignore this, as you well know. I'm a doctor, Daniel, and I can see where this in heading in an all too graphic and horrific way. Thank God Colonel O'Neill got to you when he did!" There was a break in her steady gaze as her fear broke through the professional mask for a few moments. 

Composed again, she continued, "I know you don't remember all that has happened over the past month, but I have the suspicion that some of what you said and did during that time has been a long time in coming."

Janet paused to let all of what she'd just said sink in. Her skilled gaze caught the tremor of muscles on Daniel's upper lip, and she detected the strain of his tense muscles when he swallowed.

"I have already spoken with General Hammond about restricting you to base work because of my concerns. I have not detailed the specifics, for that is your choice, but I will not give you full medical clearance until you do something." The skin at the corners of Daniel's eyes tightened as his jaw clenched and his lips pressed together in a thin, pale line. Janet didn't back down. "You do not have to see Dr. Mackenzie, per se, but I expect you to make an appointment with one of the therapists on-hand. If the course of medication is needed, I will work with Dr. Mackenzie."

"No." The harsh, one-syllable sound startled them both. Daniel was closed and clamped up just as tight as before immediately after that, and Janet sighed, closing her eyes.

"Daniel," she murmured, her eyes gentle when she opened them, "I know as well as you do that your symptoms right now aren't just lingering withdrawal symptoms. I've done a poor job as both your friend and your doctor by not talking to you sooner. I'm not a psyche specialist, so I am afraid that I cannot be your doctor to the needs you have right now. I am not backing down on this; it is far too clear that you have things that need to be dealt with."

Daniel blinked slowly but did not speak, his expression still tight. Janet didn't break their gaze as she reached to hold his hands within her own. "Do you want to be where you were that day when Jack found you?" she asked softly, eyebrows raised, but the rest of her expression was unreadable. "Do you want more of these…?" without breaking eye contact, she stroked the inside of his forearm where the remainders of  cuts resided. "Is that what makes it better? Daniel, I can't let you do it. There are better things for you than what you have been struggling with. Please. I want you to make the choice, to have this freedom and ability to acknowledge what's going on. I warn you, however, that I will make the medical decision if you will not seek help on your own. I won't risk you, no one will. You are far too important in our lives."

Daniel chuckled, his eyelids drooping as his body shook strangely, his tensed muscles making him ache all over. "Valuable, you mean."

"No," Janet said firmly, tightening her hold on his hands. "I don't need to ask if you know what it's like to watch a loved one suffer. I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone, and I know for a fact that you wouldn't either. I want to see you happy, Daniel, I want to see the hope you had back in your eyes. I would give anything to make things right for you, but I can't, only you can."

He looked at her, his face drawn in resigned sorrow and his eyes hallow, empty and helpless. "I'll never be alright." The corners of his lips twitched in a spasm and his eyes were rimmed in red despite the fact that no tears had fallen. [4]

Janet saw the hint of submission in his expression and she finally let herself relax. She leaned in to hug him and knew that her words were taken to heart when she felt his arms wrap around her tightly. His face was buried against her shoulder, and she could feel as well as hear his ragged breathing as he attempted to gather scattered thoughts. Gently she began to rock him with her as she rubbed soothing circles on his back.

Quietly she offered, "I would like it if you would stay with Cassie and I for a while. She would love to see you, and I don't want you to be so lonely." He nodded briefly to let her know that he accepted. As they continued like that, Janet murmured soothing words and assurances. "You'll make it just fine. You take the time you need, we'll wait. I'll always be right here for you."

**~ * ~ * ~ * ~**

Sam returned to her lab after a long, unsuccessful search for Daniel. More than likely he was down in the infirmary for his daily check-up that Janet had ordered earlier and that was no place to talk. She picked up the technology she had been working with earlier but oddly found herself unfocused and unenthusiastic to continue, something that never, ever happened. Sighing, she turned around and headed down the hall towards Colonel O'Neill's office. Maybe he had gone to see Teal'c and there would be some good news. In the end, all she really wanted was some company so that she could stop feeling so hallow. Her energy had been zapped by the conversation earlier and she was drained, physically and emotionally.

"Sir?" she said as she stepped into the room. She was surprised to find Jack studiously typing away on the only computer that he would ever touch. He didn't look up to acknowledge her.

She frowned. "Sir, I don't think that just ignoring—"

"Is there something you wanted, Carter?" he asked in a clipped tone, his fingers poised over the keyboard as he glared at her.

"I couldn't find Daniel, but I thought that you might have talked with Teal'c, and…" Sam shrugged, hopeless to finish. She wasn't really good with these emotional things, never had been, and honestly it was the remnants of Jolinar that had gotten her to improve the littlest bit as the years passed. In this particular situation, though, she was completely helpless.

Jack stared at her, as if waiting for her to explain why she thought any of this mattered to him. Sam swallowed bitter words as anger flared briefly. How could he just sit there so callously? 

_Damnit_, she thought, _would you let someone in? I have yet to be affected by a telepath!_

They stayed in a stand off for long minutes, and probably would have continued in that way if Daniel had not decided to wander into the room and interrupt.

"Um…"

Two pair of eyes jumped to him and he just barely managed to cover a flinch. Sam noted that he looked pretty awful. His hair stood up in uneven tuffs like he had run his fingers through it too many times, and his face looked haggard, as if too much strain had finally exhausted his muscles.

"Daniel…?" she trailed off in an unasked question.

He briefly smiled and flicked his gaze over both teammates. "I wanted to let you know that I've been sprung," he had been kept on base as his withdrawal symptoms continued to be monitored. "If you need to reach me, use the cell." He ran a hand over his hair and scratched the back of his neck, looking moderately uneasy. "I'm not going to be staying at home."

"Why?" Sam rolled her eyes. That was Jack, short and to the point. Then again, she couldn't claim to be any better, she realized and sighed inwardly.

Daniel didn't meet either of their gazes, studying the far wall intently. "I'll be bunking in Janet's spare room for a while, I guess."

Jack pushed away his keyboard and swiveled in his chair to face Daniel full on with narrowed eyes. "Again, why?"

"What the hell does it matter to you?" Daniel snapped, his glare making his blue eyes glitter dangerously.

"A whole hell of a lot!" Jack responded in turn, standing suddenly. Sam knew she should step in, but honestly didn't know how. "You're my goddamn friend and under my command! It's my business to find out what's going on!"

_Oh, yeah. That sounds so very sincere,_ Sam thought sarcastically.

For a moment she was sure Daniel was going to start laughing. Her eyes widened at the bitter, hysterical look at crossed her friend's face and then faded too slowly for her liking. Daniel shook his head, his lips pulled up in a smile that looked more like a grimace.

"Whatever, **Colonel**. It's easier to run, replacing this pain with something more.[5] Don't give me that look, damn you." His hands clenched into fists. "You know exactly what I'm talking about." 

With visible struggle, Daniel turned his entire body to face Sam and block out the sight of Jack. His look softened only minutely when he focused on her. "I'm sorry, Sam." His apology stunned her and clearly showed on her face. His grin was humorless. "I targeted you the past few weeks and I shouldn't have. Maybe… later we can talk over coffee?"

"Um, yeah. Yeah, that'd be great." She was still surprised, but she managed a sincere smile and reached out to place her hand briefly on his arm. He accepted the motion and then moved towards the door.

At the last moment, he turned back, eyes locking on Jack as he said, "I apologize. For all of this," he gestured with one hand that soon fell weakly to his side. Incapable of detailing anything more, Daniel left, his footsteps fading quickly down the hall.

"Carter."

"Sir?"

"Get out." Jack turned his back to her and stalked back to his seat. 

Sam watched momentarily before turning away from him as well and approaching the door. "Good luck, sir," she murmured before pulling the door shut behind her. Jack had a lot to think about, and so did she.

**===Fin===**

**(for now)**

[1] A beginning challenge quote from:

[2] From "One More Minute" by Weird Al; found at SlashThePlanet's line challenge:

[3] From "Easier to Run" by Linkin Park; found at SlashThePlanet's line challenge.

[4] From "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park; found at SlashThePlanet's line challenged.

And now the poem that I based the title of this story on…

Gone Away by Denise Levertov

When my body leaves me

I'm lonesome for it.

I've got

eyes, ears,

nose and mouth

and that's all.

Eyes

keep on seeing the

feather blue of the

cold sky,

mouth takes in

hot soup,

nose

smells the frost,

ears hear everything, all

the noises and absences,

but body

goes away to I don't know where

and it's lonesome to drift

above the space it

fills when it's here.


End file.
